Understand Depression and Suicide

Most people who struggle internally, emotionally, mentally are usually loners. Even around others, they feel out of step somehow because of all the inner turmoil going on in their lives. Truth be told, part of their suffering is because of that loneliness that seems to penetrate the bones and very soul of that person.

There was a time when I was very lonely. I felt unloved and unimportant. During those times, I was extremely depressed and suicidal, looking for a way to escape from myself. That is the secret about suicide. Sure, the people who try or do it are often burdened by both internal and external forces, but it is that pain that never goes away that drives suicidal thoughts. And after awhile, a person begins to feel as if the pain will never end and that they'd rather die than live in the misery they perceive their lives may always be, or rather die than remain the person they think they are now. In short, they become hopeless. They lose the ability to believe anything will ever change for them.

There are probably millions of people who think about suicide each day but keep it to themselves. Mental anguish and emotional pain are not easy to share. But being armed with knowledge, each person can begin to make a difference in the lives around them, enough to help unburden those who feel alone by being open to listen and share with friends and family.

When I first began writing about depression and understanding the illogical thoughts of a suicidal person, people were shocked. They didn't understand how I could open my own life to such harsh criticism. But there never was an option not to because I survived depression and suicide attempts. I lived through it and came out of it by the help of God. How could I not share what has worked for me and, for all intents and purposes, saved my life?

Be sure that as you continue to read and follow this blog, you'll be asked to deal with your own inner pain and once you're healed, you'll then be asked to care enough to offer the answer to someone else. It is a duty for survivors to assist because when we were struggling, there was nothing more desired than loving arms, listening ears, understanding hearts and open minds. Be the answer you sought.

For more information about me, visit my website and don't miss out on my bestselling book, The Rape of Innocence: Taking Captivity Captive, which tackles the difficult subject of healing after any form of abuse, especially sexual abuse. Chances are you know someone who could benefit from the wisdom found within the pages. Available anywhere books are sold!

Part of my Testimony - Suicide

Just five years ago I was a totally different person than I am today. It amazes me sometimes how far and how fast God has brought me through some things.

From as early as I can remember, at least 5 or 6, I used to wish I could die. Can you imagine a child that young having such a heavy burden on themselves that they'd rather not live? It's possible. I was molested by both my great grandfather, my great, great uncle, and eventually my stepfather. I felt abandoned by my dad and my mom. It was just me and my grandmother for most of my life. So, I grew up depressed and suicidal.

The first time I tried to kill myself was at work one day. I had to be at work at 6am. I had a terrible headache. I also had terrible heartache. I'd just found out that the man I was planning to marry was on crack. Mark another one down in my life. Seemed drugs was claiming nearly everyone I loved. So, I asked for aspirin. They gave me the whole bottle to get a couple and bring it back. I took a couple, then a couple more, then four more. I'm not sure when I decided to just take my own life with aspirin, if that's possible, but I did. So, a huge commercial sized bottle of aspirin dwindled to only a few within the hour. I worked at a hardwood flooring mill as a grader (extremely hard physical work). My boss walked by ready to tear my spinning head off because wood was piling up so quickly. He sent me to the bathroom where I passed out. My boyfriend worked with me. He didn't like how I looked and followed me out just to see what was going on. He found me on the nastiest floor you can imagine. That was before Christmas. I didn't get out of the hospital until a few days after New Years.

The last time I tried to commit suicide was in 2003. Yep, just that short of a time ago. I was married with a nice life to all those who witnessed it. I was the envy of many of my friends. AND, I was saved and preaching. Most people would never admit such a thing. My ministry was pretty active too. I was just getting into the whole evangelism thing and people called on me frequently. However, I was still miserable on the inside. I hadn't been healed. So, one night I gathered up every kind of pill I could find- nitroglycerin, hydrocodone, antibiotics, Tylenol, Aleve and some other pill I don't know how to spell. Altogether, I took over 60 pills within 20 minutes, 5 of those being nitroglycerin. Well, I prayed and asked God to let me die, and I tried to repent of suicide before I passed, hoping to miss hell. But, man cannot outsmart God. I fell asleep around 10pm. My then husband and son got home from a trip around 2 in the morning. He put me in the bed. Later on that morning, around 4:15, I woke up sick. I threw up all the way to the bathroom. I sit in there and cried. He finally called me to come out of the bathroom. When I came out, he was on his knees cleaning up my vomit and crying. He then opened his hand and in it were at least half of the pills I'd taken over 6 hours ago. They were not digested even a little. The rest was all over the floor. God had blocked my ability to digest even one of those pills. You could have dried them off and put them back into a bottle. That was my last time trying because I knew that God wasn't going for it.

I tell my testimony today because most people just won't do it. It needs to be done though. It's sad that so many of us suffer silently and feel alone when we aren't alone. God is real. Even when others have turned away, or so we believe, He never turns away. Surely I'd be dead by now if it were not for God saving me. So, there's one part of my testimony. I hope you will learn from it. Rather than try to teach you with it, I want you to see what you can from it and how to apply it to your own life.

Devastating Depression

There's no doubt that victims of abuse suffer from depression. Some go through short bouts of it over years of their lives. Some go through extended periods of it, months at a time. Some don't live through it at all. They take their lives because the pain is too great.

Depression is devastating. It has broken families and destroyed dreams. Depression steals the life out of people and renders them emotionally helpless. The problem is that it's so common that most people take it for granted.

I've battled depression nearly all my life. I can remember it hitting me as young as five. Now, I'm 32 and still have to be diligent over my emotions just to keep it from coming back. I don't personally medicate, but that is because I don't believe it worked for me when I did as a young adult. I can't say what is right for you, but I remember standing in front of the mirror one morning and not recognizing myself. My hair had fallen out and gotten thin. My face was thin. My eyes looked like they were budging. I looked sick and lost, kind of like a zombie. I got angry and threw the pills away. I was 20 years old then, and for the last 12 years, I've battled this the hard way - one day at a time. It hasn't been easy, but it has been rewarding because I'm not telling about something I've read. I'm telling people about what I've lived through.

Depression is a thief. The same way you'd watch a thief that visited your house, you must watch for signs of depression and learn how to arrest it early on.