Just five years ago I was a totally different person than I am today. It amazes me sometimes how far and how fast God has brought me through some things.
From as early as I can remember, at least 5 or 6, I used to wish I could die. Can you imagine a child that young having such a heavy burden on themselves that they'd rather not live? It's possible. I was molested by both my great grandfather, my great, great uncle, and eventually my stepfather. I felt abandoned by my dad and my mom. It was just me and my grandmother for most of my life. So, I grew up depressed and suicidal.
The first time I tried to kill myself was at work one day. I had to be at work at 6am. I had a terrible headache. I also had terrible heartache. I'd just found out that the man I was planning to marry was on crack. Mark another one down in my life. Seemed drugs was claiming nearly everyone I loved. So, I asked for aspirin. They gave me the whole bottle to get a couple and bring it back. I took a couple, then a couple more, then four more. I'm not sure when I decided to just take my own life with aspirin, if that's possible, but I did. So, a huge commercial sized bottle of aspirin dwindled to only a few within the hour. I worked at a hardwood flooring mill as a grader (extremely hard physical work). My boss walked by ready to tear my spinning head off because wood was piling up so quickly. He sent me to the bathroom where I passed out. My boyfriend worked with me. He didn't like how I looked and followed me out just to see what was going on. He found me on the nastiest floor you can imagine. That was before Christmas. I didn't get out of the hospital until a few days after New Years.
The last time I tried to commit suicide was in 2003. Yep, just that short of a time ago. I was married with a nice life to all those who witnessed it. I was the envy of many of my friends. AND, I was saved and preaching. Most people would never admit such a thing. My ministry was pretty active too. I was just getting into the whole evangelism thing and people called on me frequently. However, I was still miserable on the inside. I hadn't been healed. So, one night I gathered up every kind of pill I could find- nitroglycerin, hydrocodone, antibiotics, Tylenol, Aleve and some other pill I don't know how to spell. Altogether, I took over 60 pills within 20 minutes, 5 of those being nitroglycerin. Well, I prayed and asked God to let me die, and I tried to repent of suicide before I passed, hoping to miss hell. But, man cannot outsmart God. I fell asleep around 10pm. My then husband and son got home from a trip around 2 in the morning. He put me in the bed. Later on that morning, around 4:15, I woke up sick. I threw up all the way to the bathroom. I sit in there and cried. He finally called me to come out of the bathroom. When I came out, he was on his knees cleaning up my vomit and crying. He then opened his hand and in it were at least half of the pills I'd taken over 6 hours ago. They were not digested even a little. The rest was all over the floor. God had blocked my ability to digest even one of those pills. You could have dried them off and put them back into a bottle. That was my last time trying because I knew that God wasn't going for it.
I tell my testimony today because most people just won't do it. It needs to be done though. It's sad that so many of us suffer silently and feel alone when we aren't alone. God is real. Even when others have turned away, or so we believe, He never turns away. Surely I'd be dead by now if it were not for God saving me. So, there's one part of my testimony. I hope you will learn from it. Rather than try to teach you with it, I want you to see what you can from it and how to apply it to your own life.