Friday, September 5, 2008

Part of my Testimony - Suicide

Just five years ago I was a totally different person than I am today. It amazes me sometimes how far and how fast God has brought me through some things.

From as early as I can remember, at least 5 or 6, I used to wish I could die. Can you imagine a child that young having such a heavy burden on themselves that they'd rather not live? It's possible. I was molested by both my great grandfather, my great, great uncle, and eventually my stepfather. I felt abandoned by my dad and my mom. It was just me and my grandmother for most of my life. So, I grew up depressed and suicidal.

The first time I tried to kill myself was at work one day. I had to be at work at 6am. I had a terrible headache. I also had terrible heartache. I'd just found out that the man I was planning to marry was on crack. Mark another one down in my life. Seemed drugs was claiming nearly everyone I loved. So, I asked for aspirin. They gave me the whole bottle to get a couple and bring it back. I took a couple, then a couple more, then four more. I'm not sure when I decided to just take my own life with aspirin, if that's possible, but I did. So, a huge commercial sized bottle of aspirin dwindled to only a few within the hour. I worked at a hardwood flooring mill as a grader (extremely hard physical work). My boss walked by ready to tear my spinning head off because wood was piling up so quickly. He sent me to the bathroom where I passed out. My boyfriend worked with me. He didn't like how I looked and followed me out just to see what was going on. He found me on the nastiest floor you can imagine. That was before Christmas. I didn't get out of the hospital until a few days after New Years.

The last time I tried to commit suicide was in 2003. Yep, just that short of a time ago. I was married with a nice life to all those who witnessed it. I was the envy of many of my friends. AND, I was saved and preaching. Most people would never admit such a thing. My ministry was pretty active too. I was just getting into the whole evangelism thing and people called on me frequently. However, I was still miserable on the inside. I hadn't been healed. So, one night I gathered up every kind of pill I could find- nitroglycerin, hydrocodone, antibiotics, Tylenol, Aleve and some other pill I don't know how to spell. Altogether, I took over 60 pills within 20 minutes, 5 of those being nitroglycerin. Well, I prayed and asked God to let me die, and I tried to repent of suicide before I passed, hoping to miss hell. But, man cannot outsmart God. I fell asleep around 10pm. My then husband and son got home from a trip around 2 in the morning. He put me in the bed. Later on that morning, around 4:15, I woke up sick. I threw up all the way to the bathroom. I sit in there and cried. He finally called me to come out of the bathroom. When I came out, he was on his knees cleaning up my vomit and crying. He then opened his hand and in it were at least half of the pills I'd taken over 6 hours ago. They were not digested even a little. The rest was all over the floor. God had blocked my ability to digest even one of those pills. You could have dried them off and put them back into a bottle. That was my last time trying because I knew that God wasn't going for it.

I tell my testimony today because most people just won't do it. It needs to be done though. It's sad that so many of us suffer silently and feel alone when we aren't alone. God is real. Even when others have turned away, or so we believe, He never turns away. Surely I'd be dead by now if it were not for God saving me. So, there's one part of my testimony. I hope you will learn from it. Rather than try to teach you with it, I want you to see what you can from it and how to apply it to your own life.


Pam said...

Your story makes my heart ache for you. I know those feelings you experienced and my story could nearly mirror yours. I am still struggling and don't have the faith you have - it was severely damaged and I haven't been able to piece it back together yet, but I'm hopeful seeing that you are healing.

Lacresha on Writing, Women and Wisdom said...

Pam, it is hard to get the pieces back together. It takes surrounding yourself with others who've been there, done that, and are healed. It takes hearing their story and sharing their hearts. It takes time and focus, but it is soooooooooooooooo worth it.

Anonymous said...

One of my daughter-in-law's killed herself a few months after she had my grandbaby. It was life-shattering for my son. I'm very happy to report he is finally healed. Suicide is a very selfish thing to do. You have to think first.

Chick Lit Gurrl said...

Great testimony - many need to hear it. I also attempted suicide several times - for several reasons as a teen and twenty-something. My last big "moment" occurred almost six years ago; if not for people demanding I seek counseling and get help, I'm not sure I would be here today.

John said...

I tried to kill myself before too. I was hurt over a break-up.

unwriter said...

Suicide isn't the answer. I came within 100 feet of a set of tracks where the trains speed by at 70mph. Thoughts of the kids stopped me. oh, I did try the aspirin thing too. Made me sick, solved nothing. So why do we do it? Because our life is falling apart. God has a plan but doesn't tell us. Surviving should be enough to let us know our job on earth isn't done. I know your mission, to save as many people through your ministry as you can. Mine? I have no clue. I just keep on keeping on. The kids are on their own so it's not that. I still have moments when, like you, I wish I were dead. But I know not to try.

Appearing happy on the outside doesn't tell a person what is really happening on the inside. Laughing on the outside, crying on the indside. Know that, been there, am there.

Connie Arnold said...

Thank you for your courage and honesty in sharing this in order to help others. I'm sure that must be at least part of the reason God saved your life.

Lacresha on Writing, Women and Wisdom said...

Connie and Ron,

I remember praying one night and feeling the presence of God so strongly. And it ended the night I was honest with Him. In my tears and anguish of heart, I said these words which I'll never forget:

"Please God, just love me. Validate me. Make me feel like I'm worth living and loving. I hate myself but I think if you could love me and show me, then I could learn to love myself through you."

Every blue moon, a crazy thought may cross my mind, but I begin to cast down vain imaginations and every evil thought and high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. He loves me. He loves you, Ron and Pam. When you really know it, then you have saving knowledge.

ChristiS said...

Thank you so much for sharing your testimony!! Bless you! I pray that God has taken that desire from you forever!

unwriter said...

Thanks Lacresha,

Yes, I know he loves me. and right now, loving myself through him is much easier, thanks to people like you and Marv.

Joyce Anthony said...

I've been there, Lacresha--when I was sixteen. Only a miracle saved me. Since that time, many have come to me and I tell them what I have found to be the truth: It isn't that we don't want to live--it is only we don't want to live the life we are living.
The only other time I reached that point, God sent another Miracle into my life. Here is that story:

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where the difference lies between man and animal. I think the strongest difference is the will to survive--animal’s will not man’s.

Recently, I held this tiny little piece of fur and skin---she was too tiny to even be a furball--in my hands and I cried for her. Her mother was gone and so were her siblings--it’s anyone’s guess who her dad was. To look at her, blind, deaf and all alone, born homeless on the streets, you would think she’d just give up. She held on for a week. I fed her and cleaned her and talked and prayed and cried and begged---and she lost her fight anyway. I am amazed at how much strength such a tiny little creature can have. All she wanted was to live.

Anyone who deals with being bipolar knows how quickly we can lose that will to live. Nothing has to happen--no fights or losses--we just suddenly find ourselves in the very depths of Hell itself, wishing for nothing more than for it all to be over. Do we really want to die? I don’t think so---we just don’t want to live. There is a great difference between the two. I’m not even sure I can explain the difference, it is like birth--you just have to be there to know.

What is it we have been given that is so great we have the ability to lose that will to live? Is it intelligence? I’d gladly trade mine in a moment. The ability to walk upright? The ability to reason? I’d trade it all to know I would never again forget that tomorrow is worth sticking around for.

When the time again crashes into my reality--as I know it will--will I be able to grasp that one small bit of life that makes me know I must fight to live? I hope so, if only to make the struggle of one precious little Miracle worth it.

Lacresha on Writing, Women and Wisdom said...

Joyce, I know exactly what you mean. You're going to always make it through because of how much you mean to hundreds if not thousands of people. It isn't easy because once you've walked on that dark side, the thoughts will come around to visit every blue or purple moon. We just have to leave the door and phone unanswered.

unwriter said...

Joyce, Your will to live is stronger than you think. All you have to do is look at Shane. Realize always that you are loved, By Shane and by others. You are never alone. You always have someone you can reach out to, by computer, by phone, or by thought.

Joyce Anthony said...

You know, Lacresha, as long as I have friends like you, I'll make it through. I know now how precious life is--and I think I've finally figured out what God wants from me. He gave me this life for a reason--and I now believe I WANT to show Him how much His gift means to me.

Anonymous said...


I don't think people who are not suicidal understand that "hole" that we try and fill with booze, with drugs, with god... Religion has clearly (and thankfully) filled your void!

I tried killing myself last December. I failed, but lost my wife and my kids. One of our best friends sent me a scathing letter about how selfish I was -- and is now my ex-wife's boyfriend. The knives with which we stab ourselves can twist and snag inside us without finishing the job.

I don't think I was selfish: I was sick. And therapy, medicine and, for those who believe, god can all help us see beyond the abyss to the wonderful life that is ours to claim.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Just heard you on the Passion4Life broadcast. WOW! I'm getting your book and thanks for sharing.