Many times over the course of the school year, I was either molested or raped. I had more narrow escapes than anyone I know. I suppose if I told it all, I would need to write two books. Suffice to say that I learned to separate my mind from my body just to keep my sanity. It seemed that the more men took liberties, the more I gave those liberties away so that it would not hurt as bad. But I hated… I hated deeply, and loathing overfilled my hardened heart. Hatred began to control me. I was depressed and pitiful, doing things then that as an adult I have had to be healed from. The things that were done to me, and the things I did, caused me to become a horrible person. I was trifling and I didn’t care about anyone… not even myself. I took my cues from the people around me. They treated me as if I was nothing and nothing nice I became. I didn’t have a reason to be nice. I didn’t have a reason to care about others. In my mind, no one cared about me. I thought I was free. Little did I know I was bound in the deepest of pits, trapped by my own twisted mindset.
The angry method of coping I chose probably hurt me worse than the actual rapes, countless molestations or my abandonment issues had. Because I was tired of fighting to keep my body to myself, I didn’t value it anymore. Sex was not precious or exclusive. To me, it was a given- something a girl had to do, one way or the other.
I carried this attitude into both of my two failed marriages, and it was the reason lots of things didn’t work out for me for a very long time.
(From chapter 6: Where is the Love? of The Rape of Innocence: Taking Captivity Captive by Lacresha Hayes All rights reserved!)
6 comments:
That's a great sample. I purchased it and hope to take this copy down to our Salvation Army. I can't imagine feeling how you felt, but my heart goes out to you.
I've read the book, and this sample is like so much of the book. It shows raw emotion. I think you've written a book that will perform well over a long period of time.
Hard to imagine this is you like you are now is diffeerent.
This stirred up memories that I have somewhat worked out. Or so I thought. I thought telling someone was supposed to help, but it only pulled the noose around my neck even tighter. The one person I thought that could save me turned against me. For years I walked around numb feeling as if not even God cared what happened to me, his child. I am still living with the memories because the perpetrator was a family member who died. My mother keeps his memory alive with pictures in a room that we are constantly in. I have learned to turn off and shut down the bad things when she cries for him. I know the Lord saved me for a reason and I have asked Him not to punish my mother for her part in it...by turning a deaf ear and blind eye. I love my mother deeply and I don't take this out on her. I just found out my step-father did the same thing to one of my sons. They just won't tell me which one. They are men now and I pray that the Lord will help us through all of this. Thank you for letting me vent. I really think I need to read your book. I am convinced it will help me complete my journey of healing...
Cindy Hernandez
http://cindyzcreations.blogspot.com
Your sharing will help others put value on themselves.
Morgan Mandel
http://morganmandel.blogspot.com
Thanks for the comments, guys. Cindy, you're going to heal from it. Sometimes it hurts the most right before it begins to get better.
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