Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Rape of Innocence sampler 2

Many times over the course of the school year, I was either molested or raped. I had more narrow escapes than anyone I know. I suppose if I told it all, I would need to write two books. Suffice to say that I learned to separate my mind from my body just to keep my sanity. It seemed that the more men took liberties, the more I gave those liberties away so that it would not hurt as bad. But I hated… I hated deeply, and loathing overfilled my hardened heart. Hatred began to control me. I was depressed and pitiful, doing things then that as an adult I have had to be healed from. The things that were done to me, and the things I did, caused me to become a horrible person. I was trifling and I didn’t care about anyone… not even myself. I took my cues from the people around me. They treated me as if I was nothing and nothing nice I became. I didn’t have a reason to be nice. I didn’t have a reason to care about others. In my mind, no one cared about me. I thought I was free. Little did I know I was bound in the deepest of pits, trapped by my own twisted mindset.

The angry method of coping I chose probably hurt me worse than the actual rapes, countless molestations or my abandonment issues had. Because I was tired of fighting to keep my body to myself, I didn’t value it anymore. Sex was not precious or exclusive. To me, it was a given- something a girl had to do, one way or the other.

I carried this attitude into both of my two failed marriages, and it was the reason lots of things didn’t work out for me for a very long time.

(From chapter 6: Where is the Love? of The Rape of Innocence: Taking Captivity Captive by Lacresha Hayes All rights reserved!)

6 comments:

Teresa said...

That's a great sample. I purchased it and hope to take this copy down to our Salvation Army. I can't imagine feeling how you felt, but my heart goes out to you.

K.T. said...

I've read the book, and this sample is like so much of the book. It shows raw emotion. I think you've written a book that will perform well over a long period of time.

Anonymous said...

Hard to imagine this is you like you are now is diffeerent.

cruizen4u said...

This stirred up memories that I have somewhat worked out. Or so I thought. I thought telling someone was supposed to help, but it only pulled the noose around my neck even tighter. The one person I thought that could save me turned against me. For years I walked around numb feeling as if not even God cared what happened to me, his child. I am still living with the memories because the perpetrator was a family member who died. My mother keeps his memory alive with pictures in a room that we are constantly in. I have learned to turn off and shut down the bad things when she cries for him. I know the Lord saved me for a reason and I have asked Him not to punish my mother for her part in it...by turning a deaf ear and blind eye. I love my mother deeply and I don't take this out on her. I just found out my step-father did the same thing to one of my sons. They just won't tell me which one. They are men now and I pray that the Lord will help us through all of this. Thank you for letting me vent. I really think I need to read your book. I am convinced it will help me complete my journey of healing...

Cindy Hernandez
http://cindyzcreations.blogspot.com

Morgan Mandel said...

Your sharing will help others put value on themselves.

Morgan Mandel
http://morganmandel.blogspot.com

Lacresha on Writing, Women and Wisdom said...

Thanks for the comments, guys. Cindy, you're going to heal from it. Sometimes it hurts the most right before it begins to get better.