This morning, I happened over to a good friend's blog. His posts from yesterday and today caused a stir inside me. Though I never have confessed to be perfect, I realized just how imperfect I am. I found that I could never date or marry a known sexual predator, even if he was saved, preaching, filled with the Holy Ghost. I just couldn't do it. What does that say about me? Let me share yet another experience. I'm not sure if it is in the book or not.
My first husband and I were young when we got married. Every weekend, something was going on over at our house. Well, it wasn't full scale parties, but we always had company over. One night, one of my brothers who I hadn't known long brought a friend over to the house with him. The "friend" just happened to be a young man who had tortured me as a child and teenager. He'd hung a dead chicken in front of our door with blood still dripping. He's raped me once, as part of the gang rape I spoke about in the book that happened when I was about 9 or 10. He'd even tried to rape me after I had my son.
My screen was messed up, another long story. I kept the window up because my son was so little (6 months old) and it was always hot in the house. My son and I were in the bed sleep. My grandmother and mother had a house full and were partying. The next thing I know, I feel concrete cutting into my arm. He was literally trying to pull me out of my window. I screamed and he ran off.
Another particular incident, he tried to force me and I was bigger. I decided to stand up for myself again and he slapped me so hard that my face was swollen from the forehead to my chin. So, needless to say, I HATED him. He never got in any real trouble, even when he and his friends gang raped another beautiful young woman one night when she was walking home from work. It was pathetic.
So, I was afraid when he walked into my house. My nerves all stood on end. I called my little tiny husband into the other room and told him. Of course, he was as small as I am. What was he going to do? I told him just to play it cool and I would tell my brother first chance I got. I never left the room anymore after that. I fell asleep at some point. I didn't wake up until well after midnight. Everyone was sleep. I walked in the living room and almost died. He was on my floor sleep. I screamed and kicked him and punched him in his eyes and face. I wanted him out right that second. I put my brother out too. I tried to fight him too. He had no idea what was wrong with me until the next day when I told him.
So, my point is known sexual predators give me the willies. I know that God can change anybody. They are NOT beyond God's healing and forgiving power. I can forgive anybody, but I cannot do it perfectly as God does. I cannot ignore the fact that NOT ONE PERSON walks so continuously in the Spirit that they aren't tempted by whatever held their attraction at first. Therefore, if I found out today that my husband had sexual abuse and battery in his past as a predator, I'd probably not stay married to him. It's hard to call, but I'm not sure I have that kind of strength yet.
You should also read a prior post I did when I ran into the preacher who raped me just this year. You can read it here. Please, let me know where you stand.