Monday, September 15, 2008


I was watching comedian Dave Chappelle talk about women and how easy they are now. (Not something I normally watch, but flipping through TV, he caught my attention.) I was hurt, cut to my heart with what he said. It wasn't that he was exaggerating. It was that he was telling the truth. He said that if a woman's secret place was stock, it would be plummeting because women give it away too easily.

It is unfortunate that life isn't perfect for anyone, but each of us have our own burdens to bear. Sadly, many victims of sexual abuse have a tendency to no sex or too much sex with too many people. I used to fit into the latter category. I was very young when I was violated over and over. It got to a point that I was afraid to say no, and somehow my mind shifted into thinking giving away my precious body would be easier than fighting to keep it. In fact, I didn't figure it was even worth trying to keep anymore. So as a teenager and young adult, I had the reputation for being loose. I was way too quick to be with a man. I even believed that I wanted to live like that. Now, I promise it is very few people who are going to say that out loud. Women have images to uphold, after all. My image is honesty and that is what I want to uphold.

Fast forward to now, my husband has to deal with leftovers. Anytime you have sex with someone, you have given up a piece of yourself. The more sex with more people, the less of you left for a husband or wife for men. So, after years of throwing your treasures to the wind, you fall in love and get married. You think you're whole. You think you're ready, but you're only leftovers. I'm not saying that to hurt you, but it's true. The main course has been tasted and sampled and picked and prodded many times over by God knows who. And we expect our marriages to work and be perfect while coming into it like that. It won't. It'll be hard work, even harder because of all those men you're bringing into the marriage bed with you. You thought he was gone because you've not seen him in years, but he's still in you. He's a part of you because you gave him something precious, even if you have not realized it yet.

It is impossible to renew your actual virginity, or to take back sex after it is given. However, there is a way to be restored from a loose lifestyle, or from a shaky and/or abusive sexual past. That way is to choose to be whole again while keeping your body to yourself or just for your husband. That way is to repent for past decisions you've made and forgive for those wrongs perpetrated upon you. You have to let that old person die so that you'll have a new beginning. Rather than become or feel condemned by your past, allow it to be your empowerment. No, not by having pride in your past mistakes or misfortunes. You do that by choosing to make your frailty your mission. In other words, I choose to save those who can be saved from what I went through. I choose to stop being led by past issues. Rather, I'm going to be a champion for others. I'm going to make those mistakes my power so that I never have to be shame or afraid again.

Sometimes, leftovers can make a better meal than the original dish. It only takes you making a decision about what you'll do with the hand you've been dealt.


unwriter said...

It's hard to admit past trangressions, but to do so and ask for forgiveness is even harder. Personally I think you're the stronger for doing so. Even more important is you have a husband who accepts you for who and what you are. You've turned your life around and are in a position to help others do the same. You are always in my prayers.

Lacresha on Writing, Women and Wisdom said...

Thanks so much, Ron. Thanks too for your prayers while I was ill. Good friends are hard to find.