I might not always want to admit it, but sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes, I'm still bitter. Sometimes, I rescind on forgiveness. Sometimes, I imagine tragedy for all those who caused me so much pain. But it's true and I'm human, which I know isn't an excuse.
Yesterday, I got a letter from an older lady telling me her story and how my book had made such an impact in her life. I get those letters and emails all the time and sometimes I wonder why my book didn't heal me so thoroughly as these women say they were mended. I wonder why, and feel victimized all over again because my pain is helping others, but I'm still in pain.
It makes me feel like God has forgotten how much I've already suffered. It makes me act like Job and want to tell Him to get himself down here and face me. Punish me, bless me, anything but ignore me and leave me in this rut of suffering.
I moved home recently and old wounds opened again, and the old me resurfaced. Yes, ME... the superstar and the spokesperson, the voice. I AM HURTING so bad, but everyone expects me to suck it up and be strong because people are looking and showing that kind of weakness isn't going to inspire their healings. Well, what about me? What's to be done for me when I cry almost every time I'm alone? Why did I have to come back to a place I hate and deal with people I despise while trying to please a God who sometimes seems so far away?
After all that venting, I have to fall back on what I know. I know HE made me a survivor and that if I suffer the rest of my life, mine will never compare to HIS. I know that HE sees me and I know that HE loves me. If my lot in life is to live out loud and show people the truth, good/bad/ugly, then so be and let me find my joy in that!