Many times over the course of the school year, I was either molested or raped. I had more narrow escapes than anyone I know. I suppose if I told it all, I would need to write two books. Suffice to say that I learned to separate my mind from my body just to keep my sanity. It seemed that the more men took liberties, the more I gave those liberties away so that it would not hurt as bad. But I hated… I hated deeply, and loathing overfilled my hardened heart. Hatred began to control me. I was depressed and pitiful, doing things then that as an adult I have had to be healed from. The things that were done to me, and the things I did, caused me to become a horrible person. I was trifling and I didn’t care about anyone… not even myself. I took my cues from the people around me. They treated me as if I was nothing and nothing nice I became. I didn’t have a reason to be nice. I didn’t have a reason to care about others. In my mind, no one cared about me. I thought I was free. Little did I know I was bound in the deepest of pits, trapped by my own twisted mindset.
The angry method of coping I chose probably hurt me worse than the actual rapes, countless molestations or my abandonment issues had. Because I was tired of fighting to keep my body to myself, I didn’t value it anymore. Sex was not precious or exclusive. To me, it was a given- something a girl had to do, one way or the other.
I carried this attitude into both of my two failed marriages, and it was the reason lots of things didn’t work out for me for a very long time.
(From chapter 6: Where is the Love? of The Rape of Innocence: Taking Captivity Captive by Lacresha Hayes All rights reserved!)
Showing posts with label Lacresha Hayes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lacresha Hayes. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Difference Between Is and Like
The very nature of mankind is to misunderstand because we're too quick to use our imaginations instead of our intellect. That's the norm for nearly everyone. Recently, I found out that imagination can destroy good people.
My grandmother used to tell me all the time that there is a difference between what is and what seems like. Like deals in similiarities while is deals in facts. I've been scandalized recently, both me and my husband. People say we are (is) scams and criminals. People say the company is (is) bogus. People accuse us of all sorts of horrible things because of what it looks like (like). Most people feel that if it looks like a dog then it is indeed a dog, which is never true. There are dogs that look like wolves and wolves that look like dogs. What is my point?
In all that I've done online from start to finish, I've never, ever lied about myself or my husband in any way. I live my life as an open book because everything I do ties into ministry for me. I've never said I'd lived a clean life all my life. Indeed, even in my book, I talk about the troubles I've been in. I talk about the bad decisions I made. I talk about how the love of God redeemed me from them all so that I can boldly say that since God entered my life until today, I've continuously became a better person. I've continuously became a standard for Him and His own glory.
When I came back online after being away for only 3 weeks, I came back on to find that the business I built and handed over to my husband's capable hands was being destroyed by vicious rumors and gossip with small portions of truth mixed in. I found out that the work I was doing with young children who'd been molested and/or raped was being affected because someone decided to write everyone they could to say I was a crook and liar. Imagine the shock of children who have been crying out for someone, anyone to write them and care about them. I came back online to find that the work I do for battered and mentally abused women was jeopardized. Now, they are more concerned with if I'm going to ask them for something down the line. Now, they feel I can't possibly be doing all this out of the goodness of my heart. Even though I've never made a dime doing either of these things, people are wondering if one day they'll let their guards down and I'll start asking for stuff because a very unreal and unfair picture was painted of me.
I was gone three weeks and in that time, I had almost 30,000 unanswered emails, mostly from children wanting to know why someone would say such mean things about me. I had to ask myself the same question. Why would people automatically assume that people are naturally crooked unless they themselves are naturally crooked? I believe the biggest factor is the internet. There are things people will say and do online because they never have to "face" the person they are doing them to. To them, it's just a screen name. It's a big show of courage from cowards. The internet is so impersonal that people don't consider that they are capable of ruining lives. If it had been just my life, I'd have been fine with that. My life is in no jeopardy of being ruined. All any gossiper, liar, or troublemaker can do in my life is ruin the lives of those who look to me for strength. I'm always covered and always in check.
There is a difference between like and is. Though it may seem like Lensey and Lacresha Hayes are going under, the truth is we are only going up. It may seem like Living Waters Publishing Company is going out of business, but the truth is it will still be around when my children's children grow up. God promised it to me and no matter how bad things get, I know it will be so. I don't wage a war against any, but I put it in the hands of the Father. For some, that may sound cliche, but for me, that's all I have. I don't have enough riches to trust in. I don't have enough friends who care, but I have a God who I live my life to please. So while it may seem like this is the end, it is only the beginning!
My grandmother used to tell me all the time that there is a difference between what is and what seems like. Like deals in similiarities while is deals in facts. I've been scandalized recently, both me and my husband. People say we are (is) scams and criminals. People say the company is (is) bogus. People accuse us of all sorts of horrible things because of what it looks like (like). Most people feel that if it looks like a dog then it is indeed a dog, which is never true. There are dogs that look like wolves and wolves that look like dogs. What is my point?
In all that I've done online from start to finish, I've never, ever lied about myself or my husband in any way. I live my life as an open book because everything I do ties into ministry for me. I've never said I'd lived a clean life all my life. Indeed, even in my book, I talk about the troubles I've been in. I talk about the bad decisions I made. I talk about how the love of God redeemed me from them all so that I can boldly say that since God entered my life until today, I've continuously became a better person. I've continuously became a standard for Him and His own glory.
When I came back online after being away for only 3 weeks, I came back on to find that the business I built and handed over to my husband's capable hands was being destroyed by vicious rumors and gossip with small portions of truth mixed in. I found out that the work I was doing with young children who'd been molested and/or raped was being affected because someone decided to write everyone they could to say I was a crook and liar. Imagine the shock of children who have been crying out for someone, anyone to write them and care about them. I came back online to find that the work I do for battered and mentally abused women was jeopardized. Now, they are more concerned with if I'm going to ask them for something down the line. Now, they feel I can't possibly be doing all this out of the goodness of my heart. Even though I've never made a dime doing either of these things, people are wondering if one day they'll let their guards down and I'll start asking for stuff because a very unreal and unfair picture was painted of me.
I was gone three weeks and in that time, I had almost 30,000 unanswered emails, mostly from children wanting to know why someone would say such mean things about me. I had to ask myself the same question. Why would people automatically assume that people are naturally crooked unless they themselves are naturally crooked? I believe the biggest factor is the internet. There are things people will say and do online because they never have to "face" the person they are doing them to. To them, it's just a screen name. It's a big show of courage from cowards. The internet is so impersonal that people don't consider that they are capable of ruining lives. If it had been just my life, I'd have been fine with that. My life is in no jeopardy of being ruined. All any gossiper, liar, or troublemaker can do in my life is ruin the lives of those who look to me for strength. I'm always covered and always in check.
There is a difference between like and is. Though it may seem like Lensey and Lacresha Hayes are going under, the truth is we are only going up. It may seem like Living Waters Publishing Company is going out of business, but the truth is it will still be around when my children's children grow up. God promised it to me and no matter how bad things get, I know it will be so. I don't wage a war against any, but I put it in the hands of the Father. For some, that may sound cliche, but for me, that's all I have. I don't have enough riches to trust in. I don't have enough friends who care, but I have a God who I live my life to please. So while it may seem like this is the end, it is only the beginning!
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